1,000 Days...

1,000 days of grieving.

It was hard in the early days to hit double digits, then triple digits, and now here I am in quadruple digits. This day has been looming over my head, filling my mind and body with dread. I typically write a post and review and revise repeatedly before publishing. That won’t be the case today. I’m sitting to write this in the early morning hours with no idea of what to do…much like the morning Romeo died.

“It won’t hurt like this forever,” I was told far too early by a well-meaning family member. 1,000 days later, I still disagree. It does still hurt like that. Yes, I’m no longer hyperventilating myself to sleep…but not because it doesn’t hurt. Physiologically, I have stitched parts of myself together through no intention of my own. That’s the thing about bodies: they are always trying to repair themselves in order to stay alive (the body’s primary function) and try to keep some sanity. Emotionally and mentally though…no, it hurts just as badly as day 1.

Every morning I wake up wishing Romeo was physically beside me. There are times that I swear I feel him there and even giving me a kiss on the cheek. Every day I wish we were having cuddle and play breaks during the day or seeing him prance in the room. And every night I wish I was physically pulling him close to me with a kiss and a “Romeo, I love you the most.”

But all I can do is look at pictures of Romeo dozens of times a day, light a candle, and talk/sing/write to him. That’s the thing about our beloved dead: we have to adjust our routines to take into consideration our physical lingering and how to match it with their energetic existence.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how often we say, “It’s okay,” to the dying. Are we saying that for ourselves or for them? Are we trying to ease their worries? Are we lying? Are we attempting to self-soothe our nervous system? I said it, too, when Romeo was dying. Who was I saying that for?

1,000 days in and I have not found peace. Maybe I never will. 1,000 days in and I still blame myself. Maybe that’s what I deserve. 1,000 days in and I still think Romeo should be here. 1,000 days in and it still feels unfair. 1,000 days in and so much has changed…and yet still so much stays the same: how much I miss and love Romeo. That will remain forever.