Grief In Pets (Part 2)...
This is not an easy post for me. It requires analyzing the grief in our surviving dog, Mia, who has been forever changed by Romeo’s life and death. This has taken me months to write.
We adopted Mia in September 2008 when she was 2 years old. She had been with a family from pup to 2 years when they decided she was “too much” for them. During those 2 years, they did absolutely no training with her and being a terrier mix she’s a breed that likes to be busy. Mia was our first dog. While my partner (Andrew) and I had dogs growing up, it’s different when you adopt one and their care is entirely your responsibility. To say Mia was a handful in the beginning would be an understatement. She immediately preferred my partner Andrew and was not shy about showing that. She would glare at me, follow me around to nip my heels, force herself between us when we would sleep and extend her legs to push me away from him. We had a cat and a rat when we got her and she saw them as play toys (strong prey drive). After a few months of this, I started looking for a second dog. Partly for her to have a playmate and partly for me because I wanted a dog who adored me the way she adored Andrew, damn it! August 2009, Romeo completed our family. You can read more about that here.
They immediately bonded and Mia finally had someone to play with, who could keep up with her, and who loved and accepted her exactly as she was. She was finally able to rest in that love and understanding from another dog that she had been missing. They relied on each other in ways I didn’t fully comprehend until Romeo died.
Before I get to the time of his death, it’s worth exploring how Mia missed Romeo in May 2011 when he had to spend a week in Saskatoon for IVDD surgery. She became sullen and quiet. She looked for him. She would stare out the window. Mia became more gentle in some ways. Now looking back, I can see she was grieving for Romeo who had only been with her for 1 year and 9 months at that time. It had nothing to do with the amount of time together; it had everything to do with how much they love one another. We brought Mia to Saskatoon when we went to get Romeo and she was so happy again!
I held Romeo on the couch while he was dying. Andrew sat beside us and rubbed Romeo’s ear the way he liked. And then Mia wiggled between us. I initially thought she was being a bit jealous until I realized she knew what was going on. She wanted to be right beside Romeo, too, while he took his last breaths. Once he died, she went to their kennel. She wouldn’t come out until we took his body for cremation.
Mia changed. Our extroverted, loud, high energy terrier was now quiet, fearful, and lost. Romeo had been the one to bark when someone came to the door which alerted Mia. Now the house was quiet. Mia didn’t bark at the door anymore. If we spoke to her phrases like “who’s outside?” or “what’s that?”, her eyes would dart around the room and she would tremble. After awhile, I realized that Romeo had been her ears. Mia had been losing some of her hearing and she looked to Romeo who happily took that role for her.
Mia was no longer attached mainly to Andrew. Their bedtime routine changed. Before, she would curl up tight to him under his blanket with Romeo beside me. She no longer goes under the blanket. Unsure of her role with decreased hearing, she insisted on sleeping between us with a view of the door.
Outside of bedtime, Mia glued to me. She insisted on being by my side at all times. She continues to follow me everywhere (she is pressed against my leg and snoring as I finish this). She still looks for Romeo at mealtimes.
After Romeo died, Mia didn’t want to play. I took her to a doggy daycare for a test play of about 5 minutes in hopes of lifting her spirit a bit. It was clear she did not like it. We had a friend bring his lab over a couple of months later, but he (the lab) didn’t understand Mia’s play style so she mostly barked at him and they didn’t play together. It took her a few months to wag her tail and play with us again. I don’t remember exactly how long it was. I remember being outside, it was warm and green so likely summertime (Romeo died in March). Mia suddenly had a bit of zoomies and she ran, leapt onto the deck, and was wagging her tail. I smiled and cried. She was healing; I wasn’t.
It’s understandable that Mia’s anxiety went up after Romeo’s death. She recently celebrated her 18th birthday so there are the grief impacts together with aging dog behaviour.
Some people would have gotten another dog to comfort the surviving dog. That was never going to be a good choice for Mia or me. She turned 16 years old 2 months after Romeo died so there’s the age factor. Most dogs do not understand her. Romeo is her very best friend. You can’t replace or replicate that. So instead we comfort each other, both of us missing huge parts of our hearts.